Guy's Blog Blog from Oct 15, 2007

OK, I know I'm stating the obvious, but they really do run on paper.

We very rarely do CHAPS transfers (UK same-day EFT) - they involve getting in a car and driving to/from the bank (wasting time and increasing our carbon footprint) and filling in forms (wasting time and increasing our carbon footprint).

Today was one of those rare occasions that we had to do a CHAPS transfer and I found myself laughing hysterically at the bank clerk. Here's why...

I turned up at the bank with my bank details, passport (required photo ID) and details of the account where I wanted the money sent to.

After standing in a queue for 45 mins, I finally got to the enquiries desk. The lady there told me that I needed to first go to a cashier. So I jumped queue and did just that. The cashier then took my details and told me that I needed to go to the enquiries desk - where I had just come from. So, I go back to the enquiries desk and enquire as to why they sent me to the cashier when they knew they would just send me straight back to the enquiries desk. The reply: "It's just normal procedure" WTF?!

The lady at the enquiries desk told me that they could not do the transfer because I didn't have my cheque guarantee card. WTF?!! A cheque guarantee card is only for cheques and certainly didn't cover the amount I wanted to transfer. So why did I need it? They had no idea, they just had to ask for it.

When I told them I didn't have it they said it was OK, they did not need it. WTF?!!!

So, then I get handed a form to fill in. You'd think that the bank would do this stuff for you, considering we have a large pot of money stored with them, but oh no - that would be deemed "good customer service" and the bank can't be seen to do that.

Whilst filling in the form, I decided to find out why the process is so crap...

Me: Why can't I do this over the Internet?

Natwest: Because it's impossible to do this online.

Me: <blank stare>

Me: Why is it impossible to do this online?

Natwest: Because it's not a service we offer online.

Me: <hands over prize for stating the obvious> Why don't you offer this service online?

Natwest: Because it can't be done on the computer.

Me: What will you do with this form once I've filled it in?

Natwest: We fax it to the main regional branch.

Me: <shocked that they are going to use even more paper> And what will they do with it?

Natwest: They fax it to head office.

Me: <almost lost for words> Why don't you just fax it to head office?

Natwest: Because we have to fax it to the main regional branch fist.

Me: But why?

Natwest: I don't know, it's just the procedure we have to follow.

Me: <not bothering to explain the stupidity of their process> So, what does head office do once it eventually receives this much transcribed piece of paper?

Natwest: They enter it in to the computer to start the transaction.

Me: So, why can't I do that from online banking, surely it would be much faster, easier and cheaper for everyone involved?

Natwest: Because the transaction isn't done electronically.

Me: You just said that they key it in to their computer - why would they do that if it's not electronic?

Natwest: Because that's just to keep a record on our computers. The [paper] form then has to be processed between the banks.

Me: Why don't you just do all this on the computer and avoid all this messy paperwork?

Natwest: Because we have to follow the procedure defined by the Bank of England.

By this time I was literally laughing in her face and handed the form over.

Me: Don't you think it's time you changed the way things were done?

Natwest: We can't change things, it's the way they have always been done.

Me: <handing over a piece of paper> I think you'll find things are going to change...

What the Natwest and other UK banks don't seem to realise is that there is a big change on the horizon.

In the old days, paper would have made sense. You'd go to a bank and fill in a form then some bloke with a horse would travel to the regional office to deliver said piece of paper. Daily, a horse drawn cart would take lots of these pieces of paper to the head office down in London.

Then electricity was invented and after several years, the fax machine. The fax machine was a huge breakthrough for the bank because now they could replace the slow horses with a piece of wire and two clever boxes at either end. Unfortunately, they forgot to update their now-antiquated procedures and continued to send the paper via the main regional office rather than directly to the head office in London.

Then, the Internet was invented and in a relatively short space of time virtually all business communication was conducted via the Internet. Except for banks that is - they were creaming their pants over the new sheet feeder mechanism they had on their fax machines. Now that's high-tech!

Unfortunately, the Internet is not paper based, making it impossible for banks to understand how it works. Why would any bank want to allow customers to directly action every form of bank transaction - they'd waste all that money they'd just invested in sheet feeders for their fax machines?!

But here's the good part. The Internet didn't just bring new ways to communicate - it brought a whole load of new ideas. Groups of people, frustrated by the incompetence of banks, decided to find a new way to transfer money. They made the shocking discovery that if you remove paper from the equation, all the delays go away.

Suddenly, their computers can run 24/7 - they don't need to synchronise with dinner breaks, weekends and bank holidays. You send an instruction in and it gets done there and then, not when Mildred finishes eating her bacon butty.

The banks still don't seem to be aware of this. They love their paper because it allows them to do things in much the same way as when banks were first invented. They don't like change.

But change is coming. A few months ago, PayPal announced that they'd finally managed to get "Bank status" in Europe. PayPal are now a bank. Because they set up their bank in Luxembourg, they aren't tied to paper like the UK banks are. They are a fast bank. A 24/7 bank. A bank without the overheads of paper. A low-carbon footprint bank.

I really do look forward to the day when that little electronic bank in Luxembourg attracts so many customers from the lethargic UK banks that the entire UK finance sector collapses under the weight of it's own incompetence.

While bankers are leaping to their deaths from high storey buildings, I'll be having a party. As they plummet earthwards on their long-overdue trip to becoming pavement pizza, the last thing they'll hear are the laughs of millions of dissatisfied customers and me saying "told you so!"

Hey, Natwest... There is another way! And you're not invited. Sweet dreams.

Just been having some more fun reading the supplier contract from Sun Microsystems. Here's my favourite clause to-date:

4.3 Effectuating License. Subcontractor hereby grants Sun a fully paid-up, worldwide, non-terminable, unrestricted Intellectual Property Rights license in perpetuity to use, make, have made, offer to sell, sell, reproduce, make derivative works of, display, modify, distribute, assign, disclose and sublicense through multiple tiers of distribution, both directly and indirectly through third parties, any material or Intellectual Property Right which is necessary for Sun's full and unrestricted enjoyment or utilization of the Developed Property, Derivative Matter or results of the Services. The foregoing license rights are also granted with respect to any Developed Property where Subcontractor's assignment under Section 4.1 is precluded by law or is otherwise ineffective.

Obviously, other items in the contract have some effect on this clause, but what's so funny is that the clause is deeply viral. Although the clause is deeply viral, they then go to the somewhat absurd lengths to also include anything in section 4.1 (which by default is already included).

For example, the stuff we developed for Sun requires Confluence, Theme Builder and Community Bubbles. That one clause, if we were stupid enough to sign the contract, would effectively give Sun the full IPR to our plugins. Hrm... Let me think about that for a picosecond...

Unfortunately, for these large technology companies, this seems to be the norm. By default they try to screw you over. I would have expected Sun to differentiate themselves from the Microsoft crowd.